doin some good ... one break down at a time

With all that has been on my mind these past few weeks I had a little bit of a "freak out" this weekend. I feel very certain that going back to school is the right thing, however WHERE I should go back to school is really throwing me for a loop. Part of the problem is that I can actually picture myself any of these places and I can picture the direction my life may go in because of the choice I make. All good places, all good directions. And that is part of the problem. I don't know what I want to do.

In my break down this weekend I felt desperate, confused, and afraid. Too many factors were whirling around in my head. Interestingly enough even before the aforementioned "freak out" grabbed ahold of me, I had the prompting to call one of my Home Teachers (HT). And I didn't. I rationalized it away. That was Thursday and Friday. By Sunday, when I saw them at church, I was desperate for some wisdom and guidance and told them I needed them. They were there for me.

Before I go on I feel a need to elaborate on what HT's are for those of you who read this blog and are unfamiliar - here are some explanations taken from this great article:

The bishop of each ward in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints assigns priesthood holders as home teachers to visit the homes of members every month.

The home teaching program is a response to modern revelation commissioning those ordained to the priesthood to “teach, expound, exhort, baptize, and watch over the church … and visit the house of each member, and exhort them to pray vocally and in secret and attend to all family duties, … to watch over the church always, and be with and strengthen them...

These two guys listened to me talk out my feelings. FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS. They gave advice where they could, asked me questions, gave me encouragement, and let me express my self-doubt and fear. I can honestly say they saw me in one of my most unglamourous and unbecoming moments ... and they didn't even blink or wince or look away when I was a puffy-eyed crying mess.

The great thing about the HT program is that these guys don't even know me that well and they really cared and I felt ok asking. The first time they came to my house to teach my roommate and I - I felt comfortable. I felt like I really could call on them in a time of need. Little did they (or I for that matter) know that I would need them a few weeks later. It was nice to talk to people that could be objective in my life. The priesthood is amazing. It does amazing things through people and for people.

While they didn't decide for me (kind of wish they had) or even help me come to a conclusion just yet, they helped me feel some peace and calm. Most importantly they reminded me that this is a gospel of love and peace, not fear and uncertainty. This decision needs to be made prayerfully after I have studied it out and visited the schools.

So this is my semi-public way of showing gratitude ... not only to those two guys (and you know who you are) but to my past HT's (especially the one's I have had out here on the East Coast) and all the worthy men throughout the church fulfilling their duties and bringing the priesthood into homes. I realize that sometimes you don't really feel like you personally are doing much good ... but please know that you are.